Q

NOTE: If you were unaware that JTA and I were together, please visit Dan’s post about the quad before you read anything else…

It has been said, and I’m not sure by whom, that the beginning and end of relationships can be found by their awkward silences. JTA remarked just after we broke up that it was amazing how quickly you can lose the ability to have comfortable silence with a person. It’s an unpleasant sensation.

JTA and I broke up some days ago. There are a lot of reasons for this, but the whole problem can be summarised as “incompatibility”. There’s probably little point in unpicking it all right now, especially in a public forum, but it’s definitely over between us and it was amicable, mutual (although he brought it up because I was putting off doing so) and we hope our friendship will continue as before. At the time I felt a bit sad and a bit relieved in roughly equal measure, then I went through a bit more sad, then a bit more relieved, and now I feel pretty much normal. I’m not sure how he’s doing, but I hope it’s been at least as easy as that. He hasn’t blogged because a lot of his friends don’t even know we were going out, and I suspect a few people will be surprised by this entry of mine, though I’ve dropped hints on my blog in the past.

What I especially wanted to mention, though, is that all the other relationships are fine. Dan and I, JTA and Ruth, and yes — Dan and Ruth, are fine. The logistics of who sleeps where, when have been affected, and the need to comfort us a bit has arisen, but otherwise nothing has changed.

You may have thought, at the start, that if one of the new relationships broke up then the other would go with it. We could have come to such an arrangement, but we did not, and we expressed this publicly at the start. You may have thought “that’s all fine and dandy, but when it actually happens, they’ll switch back, won’t they?” You’d be forgiven for thinking that. Still, no. Ruth and Dan’s relationship belongs to them, I hope they continue to be close and have as great a partnership as they have now for many years to come.

Whilst I’m addressing assumptions, it’s possible people think that me, or JTA, or both of us, are now considering a return to monogamy (at least on our respective ends of the bargain). You’d be wrong. I’ve never gotten on well with monogamy, and I see no reason to try it again. Dan and I have had some sort of non-mono arrangement from the very first time we talked about such things, and I don’t think that’s about to change. JTA apparently isn’t looking to go back to monogamy either, which surprises and yet for some reason slightly pleases me.

Some people might even use this break-up as evidence that non-monogamy doesn’t work. This is a fallacy. The failure of a relationship does not mean there is a problem with the relationship’s format. If a monogamous couple break up you don’t go around saying “monogamy doesn’t work!”. It’s possible depending on the situation to stretch it to “monogamy doesn’t work for him/her/them“, but no further.

You’ll notice I’m feeling a little defensive. The reason being, I anticipate a lot of backlash from people, and I’m trying to make a bit of a pre-emptive strike, as it were. Feel free to rip into my beliefs, but have a proper argument ready, if you don’t mind. If you’d rather offer your commiserations over my having one fewer boyfriend, that’d also be appreciated.